i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
