Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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