listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
