she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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