Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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