If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Damn victory sex feels great
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
