All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
