I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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