Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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