bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
