i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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