I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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