you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
