it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
