My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
