you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
