we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
