Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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