I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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