Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
