dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
