My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
