Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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