Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
