I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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