he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
