Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
