you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
