Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
