your thong is hanging out like whoa
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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