Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
