Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
