I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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