I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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