1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
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Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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