When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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