i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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