I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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