I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
