Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
