Already got asked if we're dating
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
