Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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