Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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