I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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