Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
