cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
