get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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