Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
