Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
