We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
