You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
