Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
