Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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