she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Jerry, you need to find god
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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