My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
