i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
